Hardest To Heal: A Zootopia Tale
by cabbaj
Summary: Zootopia AU: They met in college, they became friends, they fell in love. As Nick finds himself on a divan talking with his therapist, he recalls his most valuable moments together with his bunny, and how he came to realize that love is an emotion worth holding onto. Rated K .


**AN: Hey guys! A little one-shot AU I've been working on while working on my main story "Hidden" (Go check it out!). I don't want to say yet what kind of AU it is, but you should be able to guess it by reading it.**

 **Let me say this first; this won't be a happy story. But I don't want to spoiler anything, so enjoy..(?)**

 **PS: Zootopia and its characters belong to Disney.**

 **PPS: No one proofread this, so expect some errors. Also, I don't care.**

* * *

The office was clean and immaculate, a placed mired by an organized woman who had her life already figured out. Cabinets and shelves filled to the brim with encyclopedias and documents decorated the dull walls and wooden furniture granted the small dim room a rogue charm, sunlight creeped through the blinds, illuminating the dust dancing through the air to and fro.

A medium sized divan stood in the corner of the office, facing the closed wooden door, as perpendicular to it sat an elder mammal, scribbling on her notepad as she noted down her thoughts on her patient.

Dr. Lenbo had been a therapist for almost two decades now and from the bright spectrum of patients who had already laid upon the worn yet comfortable divan, the elder snow leopard was proudly able to say that she was an expert on her field of practice.

Whether it being police officers dealing with their first cases experiencing death, or teenagers facing severe depression, Dr. Lenbo had always found a way to help her patients, one way or another. She was proud of her work, and she found satisfaction in helping mammals in need.

Just like she was in the process of helping this one particular mammal right now, who laid on the red cushioned divan, staring blankly at the wall as he seemed to collect his thoughts. The vulpine's emerald eyes were dull and lacked its spark, as his long bushy tailed laid lazily on the floor. Her blue eyes observed the tod patiently as she waited for him to speak, and she would give him as much time as he would need. She knew it wasn't easy to just talk about it. No matter how long it had been.

"Whenever you are ready, Mr. Wilde," Dr. Lenbo spoke up, her voice calm and low, a feature she had trained over the years in order to soothe her patients. And it did wonders, as the fox in front of her visibly relaxed, his emerald eyes occasionally glancing as her. He finally took a deep steadying breath as he finally spoke up, his voice just s low yet more coarse.

"I don't think I'll ever be ready for this, Doc," the tod dryly replied, a smile on his lips that didn't reach his eyes.

Lenbo continued to watch the tod, before she spoke up, "I know it's hard to talk about it, Mr. Wil-"

"Just Nick, please," Nick interrupted her. Lenbo curtly nodded as she continued, "Nick. I know it's hard to talk about it now, but you being here is proof enough that you want help, right?"

Nick just stared wordlessly at the wall, not answering Lenbo proceeded to continue.

"I want to help you, Nick. But I need you to talk to me," Nick seemed to understand, as he finally tore his gaze from the ceiling to her, nodding curtly before he took a shuddering breath.

"Alright, I'll tell ya," Nick said, his paws absentmindedly playing with his purple tie he had gotten from _her_.

"I met her during college.."

-o-

Rain poured down from the sky as a thick blanket of clouds hovered over the city of Zootopia. The howling wind caused the few leaves to dance and forced the mammals outside to hurry through the streets, finding a place to stay dry. It was a nasty weather, and Nick was more than happy to stay inside, waiting for the rain to pass.

The library was a silent place, calm and soothing. But most importantly it was dry. Initially Nick had been planning to go meet his friend Finnick after the lecture, but the weather had different plans. As he had been on his way to the meeting point, water began to fall heavily from the sky, forcing the tod to find the next roof available.

And as if destiny had wanted it, it led him to the Central Library of Zootopia. Shaking his limbs free from the droplets, Nick huffed exasperatedly as he moved through the library and its tall shelves filled with books and novels regarding any and every topic. But he wasn't interested in reading right now. Now he was busy complaining quietly about his wet tail.

"Damn weather..," Nick quietly growled as he waddled his tail, trying to get rid of the last remains of water. Looking at his coat he noticed it was just as soaked.

Sighing annoyedly, he decided he would have to spend the next hours here before he could set another paw out of the doors.

Looking around he picked up an old boulevard magazine before settling down on a wooden chair in the middle of the foyer of the library. Setting down the magazine on the table, he made himself as comfortable as possible on the chair, as he began to read about trivial matters as celebs fighting or the perfect diet for a summer body.

Nick lazily brushed through the pages, as he suddenly felt like someone was watching him. Spending years living out on the streets, Nick had learned to develope some kind of sixth sense, sensing if someone was watching him.

Flicking his emeralds upwards, they met curious amethyst eyes opposite of him, which immediately fell to the ground as he made eye contact. Raising a brow he wondered what caused that mammal to just look away.

It was a female bunny, wearing a gray hoodie and black leggings. She had short gray fur and her sparkling amethyst eyes accentuated it rather well, while her dark tipped ears caused her to stand out from the crowd. From her soft features Nick guessed she must had been about twenty-something years old, not much younger than himself. She was currently reading from a rather thick book and upon closer inspection, Nick could make out the title.

" _Hearts & Whispers_

 _A Poetry Collection"_

Now he was intrigued. Not only was she pretty, she also appreciated poetry.

"Be my guest and take a picture, it lasts longer," she suddenly spoke up, her eyes still glued to her book. Her voice was light and the apparent levity showed Nick, that she was teasing.

Smirking and half-lidded eyes, Nick decided to retort, "You know, I like to think taking pictures tends to ruin the moment."

She snorted at his reply as she rolled her eyes, but judging by her smile she seemed to be enjoying his company. She finally looked at Nick, and he was now able to see her amethyst eyes more closely, and they were just as Nick had expected. Just stunning.

"Oh, we have a moment now?" she whispered, minding the librarian who was already throwing them ugly looks for talking.

"I'd like to think so," Nick replied.

"Quite a thinker, huh?" she asked, a smile tugging at her lips as she set her book down on the table. Upon her comment, Nick puffed his chest out in a playful manner as he raised a brow while smirking, "So I've heard."

"From whom? Brangelina?" she said, her own smirk on her lips as she pointed at the magazine Nick was holding.

Glancing down at the magazine, seeing a picture of a well known celebrity couple kissing on the streets, Nick just shrugged before he replied, "I want to let you to know, Fluff, that boulevard magazines are very mind challenging."

To emphasize his point, he pointed at his head, a confident expression on his smirking face.

"I mean, look at this," he turned around the magazine to show her a picture of another celebrity, a young gazelle crying because she had gained some pounds, "it really challenges me to just put this junk away for good."

The rabbit chuckled as she shook her head, a smile tugging on her lips, her laughter like music in his ears. Nick didn't know why, but seeing her smiling filled his chest with warmth and was about to speak up again, just to see her smile again as a loud harrumph beside them tore their attention away from each other to the angry librarian.

The elder ewe was looking at the both of them with a stern glare, before she hissed quietly, "No talking!"

With that she was already making her way from the table, leaving the rabbit and the fox alone again.

"Pff, what's gotten into her?" Nick rhetorically asked, as he looked at the rabbit who was still smiling. Her smile turned into a smirk before she replied.

"Oh, you know, there's this infuriating fox that just can't stop talking inside the library," she answered as she crossed her arms, a challenging look on her face.

 _Witty and beautiful,_ Nick thought to himself, as he smiled. He had just met her and he was already intrigued. Not a lot of mammals could hold up with him, and it was a refreshing change of pace to meet another mammal who could.

"Well, then I guess that fox needs to be taught a lesson," Nick replied, "How about having a coffee with him while teaching him some manners?"

Upon his obvious request, the rabbit smiled brightly before she replied, "That depends if he would tell me his name."

"That can be arranged. I think his name would be Nick. Nick Wilde," the fox answered as he gazed into enticing amethyst. And as she answered him with a broad smile on her face, he already knew he would dream of her eyes that night, while her name would echo around his head.

"Judy. Judy Hopps. Nice to meet you."

-o-

Weeks went by and after several coffees, they grew closer to each other. They exchanged stories about themselves, revealing to each other who they were, and both of them were delighted by what they saw.

Nick learned, that Judy was majoring in criminology while attending the same college as him. Coming from a family of farmers, she wanted to do something else, to actually make a change in the world. And what better way was there to do that by helping other mammals? So Judy had decided to become a police officer.

He was seriously intrigued by her plans for the future and felt suddenly small as he told her he was majoring in economies, just in case his plan on opening his own tailor shop would fail.

But instead of ridiculing him for his plans, she supported him. She encouraged him to follow his dreams and not to listen what other told him. And Nick believed her.

He knew he didn't need to listen to others and what they would think. He would do his own thing. And as Nick spent more and more time with Judy, he knew he only needed her opinion.

They completed each other. Being basically polar opposites, she the upbeat optimistic rabbit, and him the cynical witty fox, they still managed to understand each other no one else would have. They trusted each other and as the days went by, the learned to love each other.

But even though love began to blossom between them, none of them had the experience or the necessary commitment to engage a relationship. They were young and relished their freedom, neither of them ready to sacrifice the best times of their lives to settle down. Instead they settled for an open relationship, agreeing on seeing different mammals while still remaining as close as a couple would be. They talked, they joked, they laughed, but never did they close the gap.

But they were happy. Days turned to months, and months turned into years, and Nick saw their time together as the happiest years he had lived, beside his bunny.

Until her sisters died.

A car accident. Two of her litter mates, dead on arrival at the hospital. Any help too late. Upon hearing the news, Judy was utterly devastated. As rabbits were a very close-knitted community, heavily relying on family and friends, the news of her litter mates dying crushed her usually joyful and bright soul. She grew distant, she stopped eating, she stopped talking. The usually so joyful and upbeat bunny he knew so well was replaced by a quiet and sad shell of herself.

Nick wanted nothing more than anything in the world to just be there for her in these trying times, and to see her falling into despair while he could do nothing but watch helplessly, it hurt more than anything Nick could remember.

And that's when Nick finally realized and admitted to himself how in love with her he was. He was head over heels for Judy.

-o-

Nick laid on the divan silently, as he continued to play with his tie, his emeralds blankly staring at nothing in particular.

After a moment, Dr. Lenbo decided to speak up, her voice still calm and patient, "What happened next?"

Upon hearing her question, Nick just chuckled dryly.

"Well Doc, I did the one thing I'm proud of. I finally had the guts to tell her how I felt. I spilled my heart out to her, told her how much she meant for me, how much I loved her."

A slight smile tugged on his lips, as Nick remembered the moments he had confessed his love to Judy, but his smile quickly faded as a stern expression settled upon his face.

"But she didn't want my love. She was different after the accident. She told me that she couldn't handle the idea of any kind of emotional connection for awhile. She said maybe a few years, maybe she would never be able to open up emotionally again. She said she needed space from me. Especially me."

Nick stopped talking as he let out a shuddering breath. Recalling those memories tugged at his heart and Nick did his best not to break down in front of his therapist, if there were any tears left in the first place.

Lenbo observed the tod silently with soft eyes. She had experienced plenty of patients hurting from rejection and loss, but there was more. The pain in his eyes, the reluctance to open up. This was more than rejection.

"What did she do after she had told you that?" she asked, gauging his response.

Nick took another breath, still not looking at her, his fingers twirling around his tie, "She left. She moved away back home to her family. Even though she told me she'd never been happier than the years we had spent together, she decided she needed some space to figure out how to be alive in a world where her sisters were gone. She asked me to give her some time, and I told her I'd give her anything she wanted. So she left."

Again, Nick fell silent, and as she watched him she put her notepad away. The tod suddenly smiled, eyes glassy as he was seemingly recalling good memories. She was about to ask further, but he beat her to it.

"But before she left," Nick began, "we made a pact. I was 25 then, and she was 23. We agreed, if she turned 30 and I turned 32, and if she had learned to heal, and if she hadn't fallen in love with someone else, then we'd get married. So that's how we parted ways. She moved back to Bunny Burrow and I moved to Deerbrooke to get as far away from her as I could.

We didn't keep in touch at first, but over the next few years we built up a correspondence," The tod began to smile sadly as he remembered the healing bridge between the two of them, "We wrote letters, we emailed now and then. Sometimes we'd mail each other books that we thought the other would like. Years went on, and no matter how far away we were, we grew closer and closer."

Lenbo smiled slightly, before the tod began to continue his story, seemingly sunken in memories as he was in his own world, barely registering the listening doctor.

"When I turned 30, I half-jokingly brought up our marriage pact. I told her that I hadn't ever fallen for anyone else, I just couldn't. I always compared every other woman to her, and in my memory Judy was perfect.

She replied that she was still very serious about our agreement, and that she'd never fallen in love with anyone else either. I asked her if she thought she had begun to heal, and she said she had, as much as a mammal could ever heal from something like that.

A year later, she told me she's like us to meet in Zootopia again and spend some time together, to see if the spark was still there…"

-o-

Nick stood at the train station, his paws tucked inside his pocket, excitedly waiting for his best friend. The tod could feel his heart racing inside his ribcage like a caged bird, ready to be released into freedom. Judy would finally return to Zootopia. He would finally be able to see her again, hear her again, _feel_ her again.

Being away from her for two years was excruciatingly painful for Nick, and the more his chest hurt from her absence, the fact he was dumb enough never to commit to her and to let her go was killing him. He missed her voice, her presence, her laughter.

Tapping his foot impatiently, he looked at his phone to check the time. Her train should have been here 2 minutes ago! As he waited, sudden thoughts shot into his mind.

 _What if she didn't come after all? What if the spark is gone? What if she doesn't feel the same way?_

Nick shook his head free from the depressing thoughts as he suddenly heard the familiar screech of tires braking. Looking up he saw the train he was waiting for, the train with the rabbit his heart had been yearning for.

The doors opened slowly and a wave of mammals of all sizes poured out of the train, as Nick's emeralds scanned for the amethyst he hadn't seen for two years. But as the crowd cleared up, she wasn't there.

Nick's shoulder slumped visibly, his ears flat and tail hanging limply as he sighed wearily. _I guess she didn't come._

The tod was about to leave the station and spun around, as he stopped dead in his tracks. There she stood. The one mammal he was waiting for, gray fur, amethyst eyes, lovely black tipped ears. She was just as beautiful as Nick remembered.

Nick quickly expanded his arms, inviting her into a hug. And just as expected, she ran towards him and buried her face into his chest while wrapping her arms around his torso as he did the same.

Her scent instantly evaded his senses and soothed his heart, reassuring that she wasn't a dream, that she was really here. He tightened his hug slightly before releasing his grip, finally looking at her more closely. Her eyes were slightly glassy, yet she smiled. And it filled Nick's belly with butterflies as he finally saw her smile again after two years.

"How are you doing, Carrots?" he asked calmly.

"I missed you so much" she answered, her voice muffled by his shirt as Nick could feel it getting damp from her tears. He softly stroked her ears as he comforted her.

"There there, you bunnies so emotional," he whispered into her ears as they continued hugging. He could feel her chuckling slightly into his shirt, as she released herself from the hug, looking up at him with glassy, beautiful amethyst.

"You dumb fox," she sniffled, as she took a step back, their paws still connected.

Nick looked at her lovingly as his chest was about to burst from his chest, "Sly bunny," he said quietly, love and affection apparent in his words, filling his body with warmth and comfort.

And as the both of them stood at the station gazing into each other's eyes, the world around them began to disappear. They lost each other in their deep pools of emeralds and amethyst, filled to the brim with love and passion. And as Nick felt himself inching closer towards her, he couldn't help but notice her doing the same.

His heart was basically vibrating by now, and he swore he could hear her heart racing just as wildly as his was.

And as their lips finally connected, his whole world exploded. Butterflies fluttered to and fro inside his body as he hugged Judy closer to his body, his love, his mate. No feeling could ever describe the joy and warmth he experienced this very moment, but as quick the moment came, it was already over. Judy pulled back and opened her eyes, gazing at him with glassy eyes, filled with so much love, and as she whispered her next words, he swore he felt like the happiest mammal on earth.

"I guess the spark is still there."

-o-

Lenbo could feel tears rising into her eyes, as she wiped them quickly away. But as much as she enjoyed hearing sappy romances, she knew her patient wasn't here to gush about his love life. No, she knew what was about to come next was the very reason why the usually so stoic fox in front of her was now crying.

Small rivulets were running down Nick's face, but his face remained stern, as if he refused to acknowledge anything other than his happiest memories. His voice remained steady, his breath shuddering, as he continued his tale.

"The next six months were the happiest moments in my whole life. Each day I tried to spent as much time as possible so I wouldn't miss out on being by her side every living moment. I wanted my happiest memories to be filled with only here. So I proposed to her six months later, and do you know what she said, Doc?"

For the first time during the session, Nick looked directly at her. Dr. Lenbo remained calm, and just shook her head, "No, I don't know. What did she say?" she asked calmly.

Nick returned his gaze back to the ceiling, his fingers having stopped playing with his tie.

"She smiled, and told me we had agreed on marrying when she would be 30, so I had to wait a few months. I thought it was silly, but at that point things were going so well that a few months didn't seem like they could matter at all.

I guess things were going too well.."

-o-

The funeral was short and formal. Heavy clouds towered above the cemetery and light droplets of rain were already falling from the sky, promising an oncoming storm. And as Nick stood alone amongst the numerous tombs, he had only eyes for the one in front of him. Raindrops began to turn the light gray stone of the gravestone to turn dark and memories flooded his blank mind as his coat began to get soaked. The weather reminded Nick of the day they had met.

It was rain that brought them together, and now it was rain that parted them.

His tired eyes, red from the tears he had shed the last past days glanced at the epitaph chiseled upon the stone, to be remembered long after him.

" _In loving memory_

 _Judith Laverne Hopps_

 _You will be missed."_

He frowned upon reading it, his paws slightly clenching, as he spoke up, his voice hoarse and low.

"You know, I hate how impersonal these things can be," he began, not caring if anyone was hearing him, as long as she heard him. He began to smile sadly as he pulled out a piece of paper from his overcoat.

"I remember what you were reading when we first met, so I thought; why not give you a more appropriate epitaph?"

Not exactly expecting a response from the gravestone, Nick began to read from the piece of paper, his voice clear and loving.

" _When I compare_

 _What I have lost with what I have gained,_

 _What I have missed with what attained,_

 _Little room do I find for pride._

 _I am aware_

 _How many days have been idly spent;_

 _How like an arrow the good intent_

 _Has fallen short or been turned aside._

 _But who shall dare_

 _To measure loss and gain in this wise?_

 _Defeat may be victory in disguise;_

 _The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide. "_

During reading the poem, Nick's voice gradually wavered, until the dam finally broke. As he reached the last verse, tears began to soak his fur he let his arm fall limply to his side, his emeralds glued to the tombstone of his love.

Never again would he hear her laugh, never again would he look into her amethyst which were always so full of love, no matter how difficult life was. She was the light of his life, and now she was gone.

Because he had waited too long.

Crouching down, he set the piece of paper with the poem on the grass together with her favorite flowers, magnolias. She loved white magnolias, as they symbolized purity and dignity.

Sharing one last glance with the tombstone, he whispered his last words,

"It's been a hustle, sweetheart."

-o-

"She was hit by a drunk driver and spent two days in the ICU before her body gave out. There was nothing I could've done to save her. Just like when she was grieving for her sisters, I could do nothing but just watch, as her heart flatlined," Nick rambled, now a sobby mess on the divan, as Dr. Lenbo watched him with somber eyes.

"I went to her funeral now four years ago this October. I'm in therapy and trying to learn how to have feelings again, other than blank, mindless, miserable rage," he turned his gaze from the ceiling to his therapist, emeralds burning with self hatred and sadness,

"I often wonder if this is what it felt like for her."

Nick returned his gaze to the ceiling, his eyes softening as he wiped his tears away, now a slight smile tugging at his lips, as his sullen eyes tried to recall the loving face of his bunny.

"She made progress. She learned to feel again. That thought is what keeps me going, it's what brought me here, Doc."

He looked back at her, his fingers again playing with his tie, as he regarded her with his emerald eyes, now filled with neverending love. And as Dr. Lenbo had listened his words, she was sure by his next statement, apparent from all the resolve and affection in his voice and eyes, that this fox would pull through as long as he would keep his bunny in his heart.

"She did it. Judy would want me to do it."

* * *

 _"Of all the emotions_

 _A person can feel,_

 _Love is the scariest_

 _And hardest to heal."_

 _-David Charleton_

* * *

 **AN: Please don't hate me.**

 **Anyway, you should check out my other story "Hidden"! The characters will definitely be alive!**

 **Be sure to leave a review and comments!**


End file.
